Casper stood in the doorway to Alex’s, his girlfriend’s, hospital room. Just behind the curtain was where she was laying. He walked in. Opening the curtain, then closing it behind him, so only he could see her. He couldn’t cry, not again. Not after he had done so the entirety of the morning, but his throat still tightened. He could feel it welling up inside, but no tears formed. He was all dried out.
Looking down at her, he didn’t want to remember her like this. So pale, so lifeless. He pushed a couple loose strands of hair behind her ear. So brittle. Leaning down, he placed his lips on her forehead, giving her one last kiss.
“Another life,” he whispered, when he came back up. Repeating the last words she had said to him. He left the room, then left the hospital. Her parents were on their way, they could sign any paperwork that needed to be done.
He made it to their apartment and went straight to their room. He laid down on the left side of the bed, his side. Rolling over to face the right side, her side, he closed his eyes. Imagining she was there laying with him.
He went to work the next day. It had felt like the trite accounting job that his colleagues all made it out to be. He had nothing to look forward to when the day ended to keep the day going. Casper hadn’t even liked the job to begin with, he just liked the reality of coming home to her. His home.
Eventually work ended, where eight hours had felt like sixteen. On his way to his apartment, traffic had come to a stop. It usually did around this area with schools letting out and side streets merging with this one. Up ahead he could see the high school where they had met.
It had been his first day there, but the school year was already halfway through. He was practically a freshmen among the sophomores. His dad had gotten a new job and needed to move one state over for it. His parents didn’t want to live in the city the job was actually in, so they moved to one of the suburbs surrounding it.
He struggled to find his locker that day, everyone was crowded around. Everyone already had friends, everything for the school year was already set in place. He knew he would be forced to be an outsider. The bell rang, signaling there was one minute until class. He didn’t even know where to start to look for his next class. Unlike his last school, which was outside and multiple buildings, this was all one building. There were hallways that seemed to go on forever, circling around the entire school.
He tapped the shoulder of the person closest to him. “I’m sorry,” he started, “can you show where my next class is.”
The person turned around and smiled. Taking his schedule out of his hands, she looked at it. “Your next class is next to mine, so I’ll just walk you there,” she said and started walking. He followed. “Biology, after this one, we have together. So I can take you there too. If you want.” Handing him his schedule back.
“That sounds good,” he said.
“Your name’s Casper right, like the ghost.”
“I like to think he’s named after me but yea.”
She gave a small laugh and stopped walking, “Your class is the middle door, mine is the left. We’ll meet between them afterward. Ok.”
He nodded. They went their separate ways. Later that day he had gotten her name, Alexandria.
He hadn’t got much further ahead. Still stuck bumper to bumper. He knew once he got to the next light traffic would let up. Any other day he would want it to, so he could get home. It wasn’t home anymore, not with Alex gone. It was now just the place he lived. She was what made their apartment home. Now it was only memories of her. The memories could never live up to the moment.
The day after his first, she walked with him to geometry and biology. They continued like that. At some point they had become friends. Casper would talk to her before the first bell, then again at lunch. He didn’t remember when it happened but at some point he realized he wanted her, needed her with him.
He didn’t hold these feelings to himself for long. They were hanging out at her house after school one day. Both laying in her bed, watching TV. There wasn’t much else they could do, neither of them could drive yet, he recently got his permit. Even if they could, there was really no place to go.
“I like you,” Casper said, breaking their silence. “I just didn’t want to keep that from you.”
“What do you mean by that?” Alex said.
“You know what I mean.”
“Are you suggesting we start dating?”
“If you feel the same.”
“I do.” It was the greatest thing Casper had ever heard.
“Oh, so you’ve been keeping things from me,” Casper said, “maybe this won’t work out.”
“Babe, we can’t already be having our first fight. It has barely been a minute,” Alex said. “My friends are all going to say ‘I told you so’ when we see them tomorrow.”
Much like the night before, he went straight to his bed. Taking off his work clothes, a button-up shirt and slacks. Laying down only in his boxers. He would shower later, he would do everything later. At this moment he just needed to forget. All he had was sleep because they didn’t keep alcohol in their apartment. Sleep was the only way he couldn’t think.
The night before he could pretend that Alex was going to come in any second. Maybe she just had to stay at work late or went out with a couple friends, neither of those things happened often, but it was enough to get him through the night then. Tonight he only tossed and turned. She was not coming back. He could not pretend that she was. He hadn’t seen her all day, it would feel like she was avoiding him if she was still alive.
He turned to face her side of the bed, grabbed the pillow she usually slept on, and held it close to him. Smashing his face against it, he breathed her in. It really only emphasized his loneliness. He would never be able to smell her, touch her, taste her again.
Casper hung on to his umbrella. He saw Alex at the bench where they usually met up, holding her own umbrella. It was not raining too hard, just hard enough where you couldn’t avoid the drops coming down.
Alex stood up and made her way towards him. “Couldn’t we have waited until it stopped raining, or even went to your house.”
“It’s only rain,” he said, closing his umbrella and putting on the bench Alex had just left. “And you know how my parents get.”
“They're fighting again,” she said.
“Then there’s the drinking after.” Casper put a hand on her waist, letting his hand slide up her shirt. He put his forehead against hers and nodded. “I’ve heard them say they're going to stay together until I graduate.”
“That’s still basically two years.”
“I know and it’s only going to get worse,” he said, taking the umbrella out of her hand and closing it. Letting the rain come down onto them. “Let’s not talk about them,” putting his mouth on hers for a slow, short kiss. “Fuck, I think I love you.”
Alex giggled, “Yea, I know I love you.”
“I know I love you too.” Their lips met again, and this time it was different. Like they both had been hiding those words from the other. Now with their secret out, they could show the other they had meant it.
Casper couldn’t take laying in their bed anymore, so he moved to the couch. Separating himself from her memory and the now tear stained pillow.
The crying didn’t tire him out enough to fall asleep. He was still awake, except on the couch this time, slightly uncomfortable due to him having to bend his knees to fit. He thought about the next day. He had basically been forced to take off work, even though he had little personal hours available. Having to use some the two days before. That building was the only thing in his life not tainted with her memory. The only thing that could remind him or her was himself. Being away from work means he would be stuck home, stuck with the idea of her.
It had been a couple hours or a couple minutes, he didn’t know. The hours could just be wishful thinking. Him hoping that time was moving faster than he could feel, that it would all be over soon. He got up, there was a bit of light coming out from behind the curtains. It wasn’t enough to tell if it was actually morning or the street lamps standing in the parking lot outside.
Going to their bathroom, he stepped into the shower. Feeling the hot water fall onto his skin. He imagined her there with him, feeling him up, laying her body against his. He didn’t let himself savor the feeling and quickly got out. Drying off, he ignored the mirror when he passed it, not needing to see what two restless nights have done to him. He put on a pair of sweats and a black t-shirt.
He only had one thing to do that day, pick up their dog, Nova, from his neighbor. She was an elderly woman that had moved out of her house after her husband died. He had knocked on her door, telling her quickly what happened, right after he got the call. The call that told him Alex had been in a car accident and was in the hospital. It was possibly the last clear thought he had that day. The day his life fell around him.
He knocked on the door, it was barely seven but he knew she would be up. Not too long afterwards the door opened, it was Dee. “I’m here to pick up Nova,” he said.
“I’ll go get her. You can come in if you like.”
As she turned around calling out to Nova, he stepped over the threshold and entered her apartment. Closing the door behind him.
“Here she is,” Dee cooed, walking back towards him with Nova in her arms. He realized how much Nova had grown since they got her. When they first got her he could easily pick her up with one hand, but now Dee was struggling to keep her in her arms. “How is everything,” she asked, handing Nova over to him.
“It’s fine, her parents are handling everything,” he said while Nova licked at his face.
“That’s not what I meant, but that's good,” she replied. He knew that.
“I’ll be fine, it’ll just take time.”
“I’m here if you need anything, even just to watch Nova.” Scratching behind Nova’s ear. “You head over and I’ll follow with her things.”
He nodded and went over to his apartment, Nova in his arms.
When they got to his place, he put Nova on the ground. She ran straight for their bedroom, looking for Alex. Soon Dee opened the door, and Nova came rushing out. She slowed when she saw who it was. Dee placed Nova’s things on the dining table that he hadn’t cleaned off yet. It still had miscellaneous silverware scattered about, from when he left so quickly.
“Thank you,” he said to Dee as she passed him to get to the door.
“My pleasure,” she said, placing a hand on his arm. “You don’t get over it, you just get used to it.” Then he was alone again.
Nova continued to run around, getting more discouraged with each round she made. Eventually she laid by the door. Watching, waiting for it to open, for Alex to come home. Casper laid on the couch doing the same thing.
Nova had always been Alex’s dog with Casper as second best, maybe even third best behind Dee. It is only right given she wanted the dog in the first place.
When they had first moved into their apartment, and still had boxes laying around. Most of which were empty. Alex asked, “Can we get a dog?”
“Are we allowed to,” he said.
“Yes, I checked while we were still looking.” The search for their apartment seemed to have taken forever. At first they were looking at places further away from where they grew up, neither liked the idea of finding a new job. Then an apartment complex was being built in their town, so they decided to check it out. It ended up being the one.
“We can start looking this weekend,” he said. “Unless you figured that out already too.”
“Not specifically, but I did find a couple places that are selling them plus the pounds.”
That Saturday they went out. They went to almost every place on Alex’s list. She made notes on a bunch of maybes but she kept saying that none of them really felt right.
“I think the relationship is supposed to be built on, you know, over time,” Casper said.
They were entering one of the few places on her list but it was the last place they needed to visit. It was a pet store that was giving away puppies that day. Alex kneeled at the fence that was keeping the puppies contained. She put her hand out to the closest puppy, it nudged it. Casper, standing a couple steps behind, knew she was the one.
On the way home, the puppy that Alex had decided to name Nova, due to its black fur, stayed in her lap the whole way. Once they got home, she still stayed by her side. Only exploring each room if Alex was in there also. Alex made sure to walk into each room and do a circle through it, so Nova could get used to her new environment. There was also a bit of hope it would detach Nova from Alex’s side, but it didn’t. Now it was just them, both with the object of their affection gone.
Casper looked at the mantle, above the TV, from where he was laying. He couldn’t make out what the pictures looked like, but he saw them so often that he could fill in the blanks. There were only a few pictures, it was supposed to be a timeline of their life.
The first was from their high school graduation. Both in their cap and gown, looking at the camera, holding their diplomas up. Smiling.
The second was from the summer after he graduated college. Alex continued to work at her parents' restaurant. It’s also where he worked through high school then college if he wasn’t at an internship. She began basically running the place as soon as she graduated.
They had decided to go on vacation before Casper had started his job at an accounting firm. Driving one state over to the coast. They had a hotel room that faced the ocean, but they were rarely in it. During the day they would go to some tourist trap museum. Every night to either a club or a bar. Either way they got drunk, Alex more than Casper, letting themselves forget about their future. Not feeling the pressure to succeed for a few days.
The last day they just stayed on the beach, basking in the sun and each other, all day. Like there was no one else in the world. Casper had gotten the idea of teaching Alex how to surf. It was something he did before they met, before he moved states, before his life always felt full.
“Are you sure,” Alex said, following Casper as he walked to the ocean, carrying the board at his side.
“Yes, you’ll love it,” Casper said, “it’s almost like you’re flying.”
They waded out into the ocean, Casper stopped when the water went up to his waist. Putting the surfboard on the water. “Come on,” he said, patting the board.
Alex sat on the board, with Casper’s help. “Now slowly stand up,” Casper said, “and bend your knees”. Holding onto Alex’s hands as she got up with shaky legs. “Look, you're practically a natural.”
Alex looked down at him with a large smile, the wind blowing her hair into her face.
“I’m gonna let go,” he waited for Alex to nod before he did so. Keeping his hands up so he could catch her if need be. “There’s a wave coming, it’s not that big. Lean forward a bit and just let it take you.”
The wave pushed her forward. Casper saw her wobble a bit, but she stayed on until she lost momentum. He ran, as best he could, to catch up with her. When he got there, she was off the board. “How’d you like that,” he said.
“Let’s go again,” she said.
He patted the surfboard. “Get on and I’ll bring you out.”
The picture was taken when they were heading back to their hotel. Someone had stopped them while they were walking up the sand and asked if he could take a picture of them. They both looked at each other. Alex shrugged her shoulders and Casper agreed.
They were told to face each other, Casper put his hands on Alex's waist. She cupped his face with hers. When they looked at the picture after it was taken they saw the sun setting behind them.
Casper already planned out what the third picture would be. Them on their wedding day.
He went to the kitchen. Surprised by how clean it was, there were no pots with a few days old food in it. Dee must have cleaned up when she picked up Nova that day.
He put his hand behind the toaster, felt the velvet box that he had hidden there. He opened it up and saw the ring. The one he was going to give to Alex the day of the crash. The one that was supposed to bring on the most important day of their lives.
He had gotten off work early that day, Alex usually got home before him. He had everything planned. He was going to make Alex’s favorite meal. It wasn’t made often because they rarely had the time to stand over the stove for an hour. He hoped it would finish around the time when she walked in. He would not have been able to keep the secret for long if she walked in too early. Keeping it for the past two weeks had been hard enough. Scared that she would somehow have found the ring, where he had hid it in the back corner of his dresser, under some clothes that never got worn.
The only thing he didn’t know was when he would ask the question. In his head she somehow already knew and would bring it up. Would he do it while they ate or after. He already ruled out before.
As he was putting the steaks in the pan, his phone rang. Casper thought it was her to say that she was working late, which would throw a small wrench in the plan but was something he could work around.. The caller ID said ‘Bentonville Hospital’. He answered, thinking it would be because of his parents. They had never got divorced, just got used to hating each other, so he spoke to them only when necessary.
“Hello,” he said.
“Hello, this is Bentonville Hospital, is this Casper I am speaking to,” a woman’s voice said.
“Yes, this is him.”
“Alexandria Jones just got admitted to our hospital.”
“What happened?”
“There was a car accident. You should come in and see her.”
“How is she? Is she alive?”
“She was found comatose at the scene and remains that way now.”
The lady on the phone said everything so calmly. Like none of it mattered. Like it wasn’t a question on if his life was being ripped away from him.
“I’ll be there,” he said and hung up the phone.
When he got there her condition hadn’t changed. Her parents came in at some point but left a couple hours later when no change was made.
He stayed all night, waiting for her to wake up. He thought about the proposal, on if he would go through with it. The ring was still hiding behind the toaster, where he had moved it. It hadn’t even crossed his mind to bring it.
He eventually decided he wouldn’t ask. The bills and recovery would make their life too hectic. It could wait. Once she woke up they would have each other, that’s all he wanted.
Sleeping on a chair, he awoke to frantic beeping. The machines were beeping. Doctors were rushing in. He was getting pushed out of the way. He couldn’t see anything. Soon the beeping stopped.
“Time of death Friday September 29, 2024 4:10 a.m.”
Gasping for air, he faced the wall and leaned his forehead to it. Tears started to run down his face. She was gone. The third picture would never be put on their mantle. She couldn’t be gone. Not yet, not before their life really started.
He leaned against the counter. Holding the ring box to his face. He cried again and he was back in that room with the beeping of the machines speeding up then stopping.
He didn’t know how he would be able to move on, live the rest of his life without her. His first love, she was supposed to be his last. Everything was planned out for them. They would get married. No kids, because that was what Alex wanted. Eventually they would move into a house with a yard for Nova. They even talked about getting a cat.
That was all lost. It was just him and the engagement ring he held in his hand. And the framed pictures of them. And the memories that permeated every inch of his life. She was everywhere but not where he needed her.
He needed her standing next to him. Holding onto him. Anchoring him to Earth. She was all he had.
“Another life,” he whispered into the box.
He went to their bathroom, his bathroom, their bathroom. It will always be theirs. Setting the box on the counter, he opened it, seeing the ring inside. Knowing it should be on her finger. Not snuggly tucked away, never to be worn by the one it was made for.
He was now on the ground. His head had hit the tile when he fell. Blood pooled around him, coming from the mutilation of his arms and the opening on his head. The world was spinning, even now while lying down. He could hear Nova barking outside the door. His vision was giving out, the light above him brightened then dimmed, almost to a complete darkness.
He saw her again, floating over him. A glow surrounded her, giving light in the total darkness. She held out her arm. He reached out, grabbing hold of it.
“Another life,” he strained and they were the last words he said.